Anger, one of the many emotions in a person’s arsenal, is a reaction of extreme dislike, intolerance, or outright rejection of a situation or a person’s actions. It can be externalized, resulting in a loud voice, a slamming of a hand on a table, and rage, or internalized, mentally and physiologically, creating a pressure cooker that generates elevations in heart rate and blood pressure, and eventually time, anxiety disorders.
It can be generated by evil, betrayal or injustice. Paradoxically, these errors, by definition, do not have to be true. Instead, they just have to be believed or perceived as such.
A recent overload at my routinely frequented coffee shop illustrates this point. Since I usually order the same items, the cost is always the same. During a visit a few days ago, it was not. Growing slightly annoyed, I asked, “Why are you overcharging me tonight?”
“Prices went up yesterday,” was the reply.
And with that information, my anger subsided.
Due to my paraalcoholic upbringing, characterized by a trigger-happy, aggressor father, I have certainly experienced my fair share of this unpleasant emotion that, even in later years, is evoked when I reflect on many of the puzzles of my life, such as why I was treated as such. an innocent and defenseless child. Why was nothing done to stop this abusive behavior towards me? Why did no one seem to feel anything for me? And why did I suffer and sacrifice so much for reasons that had nothing to do with me?
The Bible warns that a person must not allow his anger to increase to the point of sinning. Al-Anon, perhaps, will rephrase this by stating that “anger” is just one letter less than the word “danger.” But anger escalates and turns into anger when injustices, such as child abuse, are constantly administered and only create a dilemma where the offender cannot tame their anger because it is the result of the actions of someone else who cannot. check.
It’s the equivalent of having a scab after each parent infraction and then watching it crack open with the next one. The process never reaches the point of healing. And forgiveness in such circumstances is impossible, especially when the father does not take responsibility for his adverse and harmful actions.
There are many angles for anger.
It can, for example, become repetitive. When experienced repeatedly, even without cause or provocation, it may be suspected to be the result of an unidentified early life origin, and each episode may be assumed to be a late layer restimulating the crowd. of the others over which it remains.
Adult children subjected to the instability, shame, and guilt of an alcoholic upbringing, who are forced to silence and suppress what is obvious to them, but apparently not to those who unconsciously succumb to “don’t talk, don’t talk.” trust and not feel” rules that keep the family system dysfunctional, discourage them from expressing anger. With each incident, it builds up, and after years of exposure, it can reach outrageous levels.
Anger can indicate and signal. As angry episodes subside and a person returns to a calmer, if not more rational state, they may question whether the intensity, amplitude, and duration were appropriate or out of proportion to the incident that triggered the anger.
If, for example, a person imagines himself pounding his fist against the wall after the proverbial glass of milk has been spilled, then something much deeper, earlier, and probably hidden has been triggered. Her reaction then is just the tip of that iceberg.
Anger can be the result of unrealistic expectations, such as trying to change someone or something that the person is limited or unable to influence. While countless millions have done just that in trying to change, repair, or heal an alcoholic, they have failed because they don’t know they are tackling an illness and not necessarily the afflicted one behind it.
How many have seen events or people on television and then yelled in anger, “How can this be? How can you say something like that? Can’t you see that…?”
No, most likely they can’t. But more importantly, anger expressed on a television screen is useless and will only put a person in a state of needless agitation.
What may be of much greater value is to examine why anger is evoked in the first place, that is, what this circumstance or person means to him, and to consider the serenity prayer that advocates understanding what a person can do. and cannot change. create that state.
Finally, anger can be the equivalent of a veil or a cover-up. While most people view this emotion as existing within itself, it often hides the real one behind it, such as pain or fear. I remember the once-popular game show Let’s Make a Deal in which Monty Hall, its host, would often ask, “Do you want to keep the money you have or go for what’s behind the curtain for $200?” People often don’t know what’s behind their “anger curtain” and therefore see only the anger that constitutes it.
Since this emotion is universal, it certainly has healthy aspects and angles, as long as it doesn’t reach the point of unchecked volatility. First of all, it alerts a person to mistakes and injustices. It can allow you to identify some or all of them yourself. It gives you the extra power to defend yourself and protect yourself when inaccuracies have been made in good faith. Set limits. You teach others what you will and will not accept or tolerate from them. And finally, it builds self-esteem and self-worth by inhibiting the abilities of others to transform you into a people-pleasing doormat.
Understanding the purposes and angles, both healthy and harmful, that anger plays in a person’s life, particularly that of an adult child, can promote new perspectives as you move beyond your past and into a brighter future.
