Many faithful spouses in an affair will freely admit that they would like to see their cheating spouse express guilt and remorse. There are many reasons for this. First, they want their spouse to feel many of the negative and painful emotions that they are now feeling because of her affair. They also believe that you deserve every guilty feeling that surfaces. And better yet, if he’s feeling really guilty, he might think twice before cheating again.

Still, when it comes to a spouse who is moping around the house and overcompensating for their guilt every day, it can start to wear on you. You may start to think that this display of guilt is a pose or an exaggeration. It is not uncommon for wives to have mixed feelings about all the blame. Someone might say, “I’ll be honest. I like that my husband is hurting after his affair. I like that he feels bad about it and thinks bad of himself. He deserves all these feelings. Because what I’ve been feeling hasn’t been either. a picnic in the park. But sometimes, his guilt seeps through the house. Don’t get me wrong. He should feel guilty. He used our family’s money to buy trips and gifts for this woman. He took money my kids could have used He lied to me, his mother and our children. He scuttled off like a little weasel. He continued to have sex with me throughout the affair. So yeah, he should be racked with guilt. But it’s almost painful to watch. He walks all slumped over and looks that he’s going to cry at any moment. I constantly catch him staring into space. If we go to a restaurant, he’ll order salad and water. that he doesn’t deserve anything else. He just had his birthday and he insisted that no one buy him any presents because he said that in he he was not serving. If our children try to show him affection, he will sometimes cry and say that he does not deserve his love. He spends money we don’t really have buying me guilt gifts. So I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. On one hand, he should feel guilty. On the other hand, it’s a pain to be around. At some point, he’s going to have to meet me as an equal if we’re going to save our marriage. And he acts like he can hardly bear to talk to me. How should I handle this?”

If you are in counseling, I would ask your counselor to take care of this. He or she will know the best way to deal with it. If you’re not in counseling, I highly recommend it because a man who feels this bad about himself is vulnerable to undesirable behaviors and actions. Not only that, but as you already mentioned, if he can’t focus on much else besides his guilt, it’s going to be hard to move on.

You’re right that some guilt is appropriate and healthy, but so much guilt that it becomes destructive isn’t ideal either. You can always try to have a conversation like “you don’t have to order salad and water. I know you feel guilty and I understand why. But going so far that we can’t have a family dinner isn’t helping anyone. It’s not good for our children seeing their father so depressed why don’t we explore counseling and see what we can do for our family to make it better it’s not helpful for any of us to feel this defeated all the time we need to address the issue and try to move forward in some healthy way for our family, but we won’t be able to if your guilt prevents you from thinking you deserve to participate.”

People sometimes ask me if this kind of guilt is legitimate or if the husband is just a pose. A lot of the time, it’s totally legit. Imagine if you were caught in this kind of lie. Imagine how embarrassed and embarrassed you would feel. Imagine how difficult it would be to look your children in the eye. This is what your husband is dealing with, and he has to do it in front of an audience. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but it can be a difficult situation for everyone.

Your guilt can sometimes improve as healing begins. As her husband sees that she could one day take responsibility and at least begin to make up for this colossal mistake, she can begin to settle down with the guilt. I often tell people that the best way to overcome this type of guilt is to become the spouse your family deserves. Yes, it’s normal to feel like the most deplorable person in the world after you get caught cheating. But when you stand up, face your mistake, willingly accept responsibility, and then do everything you can to make things right again, then that’s a good and honest first step. You can only sincerely fix it and then promise never to do it again. Most people realize this over time and the guilt subsides, although it usually never completely goes away.