I sometimes get emails from wives asking me to explain what it means when a husband says he loves you, but isn’t “in love” with you anymore. Many feel that this is a serious contradiction in terms. How can someone claim that she loves you, but then not be “in love”? What is the difference? And, with such a vague statement, how are you supposed to respond, and what can you do to change this?

In the next article, I’ll answer these questions based on what husbands who visit my site tell me. Many of them are honest because they don’t know me personally, I’m an objective third party and I’m not their wife or their friends. So here’s what these husbands tell me about their feelings.

How can you love me, but no longer be in love?: Ok, let’s get straight to the heart of the matter. Because I know you want the answer to this question more than any other. In truth, the answer to this question really comes down to semantics. I will explain it to you later, but right now I will tell you what is most likely going through your husband’s head.

Look, what husbands tell me is that they respect, admire, and truly love the attributes of their wives. They tell me that she is a good mother, a good friend, a good wife and that she is the “rock” of her. They respect her, value her and love her as a person. But, what’s missing now is that weak-kneed feeling she used to get when she looked at her and the way fireworks used to go off even after the most innocent touch.

Now, I have to tell you that as a woman, my reaction when husbands say this to me is, “well, for God’s sake, how old are you, 21? Because with some kids to raise and a home to run, none of you are people with no responsibilities who could just focus on others and interact with googly eyes.” But I know these feelings are valid and common for men because my husband felt them and almost divorced me. And I know from the intense work we did that it is very possible to recover these feelings.

The reality of the situation is often this. Men often don’t have the emotional knowledge to know that those feelings are just stuck, but not completely gone. Carelessness has made the spark smaller and by now she is smoldering but with a little attention she can become a roaring blazing fire in no time. Men don’t understand this. They think that when it’s gone, it’s over. Our job is to show you that this is not true.

He thinks it’s a lack of chemistry, but it’s actually a lack of attention and time: When men describe this heartbreak thing, they often use words that have to do with the spark and chemistry between you: “the passion is gone,” “the spark has faded,” or “we interact as friends rather than lovers.” “. .” Rarely do their lines talk about getting this back. Most of them assume that once it’s dead, it’s dead.

And when I ask them what they are doing or what they could do to reignite this, they either stare off into space or shrug. They just don’t think that far. They don’t realize that it is the marital circumstances that have changed, not their wives, not their chemistry or spark, but the amount of time and effort it takes to allow these things to happen naturally. You both have jobs or responsibilities that reduce your ability to fully focus on each other and this is completely understandable. Almost all marriages suffer from this.

But often the result is that you can’t or don’t take the time to maintain the bond that makes them feel the “spark” they often talk about. In truth, being “in love” is often nothing more than how it makes them feel about themselves. It’s completely pleasurable to feel like you’re the center of someone’s world and that you’re lovable and desirable enough to attract so much attention. Of course, this makes you weak in the knees and dreamy. Who doesn’t love when someone looks deep into your eyes, listens intently to what you have to say, and cares deeply about your day-to-day experiences?

I can almost guarantee that if you were to succeed in recreating the atmosphere you had when you were first dating, you would find yourself deeply in love all over again. I’ve seen it happen countless times. Because you already know that he adores the person you are. First of all, he has married you and told you recently, quite directly.

But, in the chemistry and intimacy departments, you’re coming up short. He feels like one person in an arrangement that should be two. You must change this. If you can push yourself forward until you’re in a place where there is time, attention, fun, and affection, the rest will fall into place.

How to make your husband fall in love with you again: I have alluded to this, but now I am going to say it directly. Things are actually probably not as bad as you think. In fact, you have a model for this guy’s heart. You’ve got him googly-eyed on you once before. Now, you just have to dissect that process and repeat it. It helps to think about what attracted him to you, but I can ease you up a bit and tell you what men tell me. They want your attention. They want your praise. They want your love. And they want to feel like you absolutely understand them, even their flaws. And, with this understanding comes full and unconditional acceptance. This often requires you to clear your schedule, listen without interrupting, and give them the same consideration as in the beginning.

Many people will ask why they are making all the concessions. This may be true at first, but as he sees that you’re making the effort, he’ll respond in kind, and suddenly you’ll find that you’re both very happy and satisfied. It’s a cycle that very often occurs naturally when you’re honest. I’ve seen it happen countless times.