There are numerous articles and studies that show that women, in general, are less self-confident than men. That’s fine, but the problem is this: to be successful, trust matters as much as competition.

I attended a panel discussion last week on this topic. The room was filled with more than 90 women from different professions, ages and educational levels. The panel consisted of a high-tech CEO, the CIO of a major healthcare conglomerate, the recruiting manager of a large sales company, and a very successful young entrepreneur. Three were women and one was a man. The moderator was a man. It was fascinating. What I got out of the discussion and the questions asked and discussions with other attendees after the discussion was a message. The message was how to deal with the current standard that favors men and for women to basically stop being full of doubts. Examples were shared that were inspiring. It wasn’t what was said that I found disturbing, but what wasn’t said at all.

What was not addressed is what I believe is critical to the future of women’s success, closing the gender gap and having the brilliant contribution of women recognized in the world. What we need to talk about is how to change the conversation in the world in such a way that the gender gap is a thing of the past. I don’t know how to do this myself, but it’s clear to me that when women get together and research how to close the gender gap and then start taking action, it will be done. I think one of the keys is to get women as individuals to take ownership of raising their own confidence.

Working with thousands of women, I know that many suffer from low self-confidence. Self-confidence and the assault on our individual self-confidence is a complex conversation. Almost always, there are a series of moments throughout our lives when we try something, fail, and someone says something that we turn into a ‘life sentence’ about who we are or our relationship with failure. Whatever we decide and self-condemn has a long-term impact on our self-confidence. This seems logical to most people, but often you can’t see it. It’s like water for fishing: when you’re swimming in it, you don’t know you’re in the water. The same for us, when we lack confidence.

I want to give you a couple of quick steps to see if you can see your own “water of doubt”:

1. Keep a notebook or app with you and when you find yourself second-guessing or doubting yourself, see if you can see what you are saying to yourself or others.

2. After doing this for 3 days, see if you can find the common theme or thing it says.

3. See if you can remember when you started saying that. (like once something happened and you made up your mind and started saying whatever you say when in doubt).

4. Ask yourself, who said that or who decided that?

5. Now that you have decided or said what you said, ask yourself if it is empowering you. And of course, it is not.

6. Invent something else.

This is what I want you to know: you are the author of your own doubts. You can be the author of increasing your confidence.