Five Characteristics of an Ineffective Communicator
In the last article we discussed some of the positive characteristics that lead to effective communication, but what about recognizing behaviors in ourselves that lead to just the opposite…poor communication?
Exploring both sides of the coin is beneficial when it comes to becoming a more effective communicator. Yes, we can focus on incorporating helpful suggestions to change our communication style, but it is equally important to become aware of some harmful behaviors that we may be using from an ingrained default position without even being aware of it.
Research shows that people who demonstrate some of the following behaviors may be considered by most to be ineffective in their communication efforts.
· They communicate from an intimidating point of view through ridicule, contempt, threats, and emotional outbursts.
I see this as the “Yosemite Sam” effect. These people have a low threshold for being able to tolerate anything outside of their perceived sphere of control and an inability to manage their emotions. Emotional outbursts are unpleasant, to say the least. They make most people uncomfortable and put them in an offensive position before they can get a word out. As the old saying goes, “if you can manage your emotions all is well, but when your emotions start to control you… watch out.” They come to communication out of an ingrained belief that they somehow see putting others down as a motivational tool or a way to absolve themselves of being responsible for their own behavior. This behavior causes people on the receiving end to “dial”. Most people shut down in situations like this and the communication is lost before it begins.
· They don’t know how to listen.
This is a big one and sadly a common challenge for a lot of people. Again, I stand by an old saying “we were given two ears, two eyes and a mouth for a reason”. However, for some, listening to others can be a difficult task to achieve. The term “hear” is conceptually quite broad, but listening actually listen the other person becomes more specific. For example, she can hear someone talking while typing on her computer, but I guarantee that the person communicating will not feel “heard.” Listening involves more than just your ears. Active listening to a good communicator uses body posture, eyes, facial expressions, and sometimes even the voice at the end to convey understanding.
· They have a habit of interrupting.
Interrupting is another big area that encourages poor communication, however, it is something I see quite a few people do without even realizing they are doing it. In fact, I have observed conversations where one person repeatedly interrupted throughout the conversation, yet following up with that same person afterwards, they were unaware of their interruptions and in some cases were surprised by my comments. This is an excellent example of that “default position” I am referring to. As human beings, we develop certain ways of “being” in the world. We set up behaviors, beliefs, and perceptions that become so embedded in our personality that they become habitual and occur outside of our active sphere of awareness…thereby activating our “default position.”
Regardless of whether we think we can multitask effectively, we can’t when it comes to communication. When we go somewhere to write a response or are so overwhelmed by our need to interject our thoughts in the middle of someone else’s dialogue, we’re not really listening anymore. Interrupting serves as a negative double-edged sword, as it not only ceases our ability to listen, but also disconnects us from the other person by making them feel that we are not listening to them, that we do not respect them, that we devalue them, degrade them, and list goes on.
· They find fault with what others bring to the conversation more often than not.
Communication is really a fine art. It is more complex than most of us realize or even stop to consider. I think this is the case because it’s something we all do on a daily basis in one way or another, so as a common behavior it risks becoming problematic over time. That’s how it goes in… finding fault. Another poor communication skill, fault finding regularly shows up in conversations, whether intentionally or unintentionally. For dialogue to be productive, everyone present and engaged in the process must feel respected and valued. They also need to be confident. If more often than not, you find fault with what is presented, you need to go back to the proverbial drawing board and reassess your desired results. Continually finding fault only serves to douse the flames of creative thinking and destroy the potential to nurture the essential ingredients of strong dialogue like innovation, strategizing, visioning, or problem solving, to name a few.
· They are seen as inaccessible by others.
Let’s face it, people like to connect. We are social beings and establishing a sense of connection is part of our biological encoding. If you read Daniel Siegel’s work, he points out the importance of connection in most of his literature. Years ago I attended a conference with Dan Siegel. One of the statements that he made that I never forgot, he said that “relationships are the defining characteristic that makes us human”. So if you’ve gotten feedback that he’s acting in a way that sends a message to others that he’s unapproachable, stop and think about it for a bit. If you are perceived as inaccessible, barriers are raised and you sabotage communication efforts before they find a foothold.
It really all depends on you, make the decision to live your life by design, not by default! Take charge of your destiny and redesign an all-star plan for success!