The importance of invisible friends
Episode One: Dealing With Overwhelming Emotions
Or what you do when you feel overwhelmed by an emotion.
I closed my eyes and thought, “I need you.” I didn’t even have to click my shoes and knock three times. They were there instantly.
“Tell us,” I heard from the background.
“Before I tell you, I just want to make sure,” I told the voices. “I know you said I could call them anytime, but doesn’t talking to myself drive me a little crazy?”
“Nah,” was the reply. “Kids do it all the time, but adults learn to let it go because their culture demands it of them. Talking alone can be extraordinarily healthy. It allows you to give yourself something you need so badly.” psychological air.“
“Psychological air?”
“Like when you’re suddenly overwhelmed by an emotion like you’re having right now.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, you can’t talk yourself out of feeling what you feel, just like you can’t talk someone else out of feeling what they feel. Instead, you have to go deeper into that emotion and find out what the emotion is dealing with.” to say. You need to bring the emotion out into the open and give it air. Talking to yourself can help you give it that air.”
“So how does that work?”
“You know that listening process we talked about in your book? The one that helps people better understand and process their emotions?”
“Yes, it’s where instead of offering advice that might not be necessary, you use questions to reflect and understand their emotions.”
“Well, talking to yourself does the same thing, except you’re actually giving yourself the physiological air. By happy coincidence, it’s also a much better read. So why did you call?”
I took a deep breath and started. “Someone, who will remain anonymous, just told me something that really hurts me, makes me want to throw something away. I know that what people say about me is not about me. believe Y Reflection taught me that. I’m trying to take responsibility for my emotions like Responsibility suggests. I tried to refocus my thoughts as Approach recommends, but what do you do when someone says something so deliberately hurtful that none of it works?”
“Tell us what this person said.”
“Well, she said: ‘i’m really disappointed in you.’ He then listed a bunch of things he had done when he was half asleep, and then ended by saying: ‘It’s like you did it on purpose.‘.”
“And his words hurt you?”
“Yes, they were unfair. I No do it on purpose. I admitted that I was still half asleep when she needed my help. I’ll also admit that when I’m woken up like this, I purposely try to stay groggy because it’s easier for me to go back to sleep, but someone else was awake after all. They called me to help them help her. I was in the backup. I assumed that everything was settled and went back to bed. But I shouldn’t have assumed that. I should have woken up more. I should have made sure her cups were full of water, turned the fan back on, didn’t leave the phone on the table. But I didn’t do it on purpose..”
“Is that why you’re so angry?”
“Usually I can let statements like that slide. But this time I just noticed. I don’t know why I feel so angry. That’s why I came to you.”
“Your feelings are trying to tell you something. What are they trying to tell you?”
“They are telling me that what she said was thoughtless and unfair.”
“No, what is the physical sensation?”
“A hole in my stomach,” I struggled to explain. “Like this dark ball of energy pulling me down and destroying my focus. Everything is bottled up and needs to go somewhere.”
“Why do you think she said what she said?”
“It’s his way of getting me in shape.”
“Meat thought of departure”.
“She’s always done that, even when we were kids. She’d blow up, tell us how unhappy we made her, and then withdraw into herself, while we all went around on eggshells trying to make up for our failings. Eventually, she’d get over it. I know he does it as a form of discipline. It’s his way of asking for a change or getting away with it.”
“When she does this, how do you react?”
“I shut down and don’t say anything because I know that anything I say will only make things worse.”
“You mean you let it sit in the pit of your stomach?”
“Quite”.
“You already know what to do when people say something hurtful. We wrote a whole book about it together. You put them in context. You turn the other cheek. You try to understand what they’re really trying to communicate. You already know everything.” the logical tools needed to deal with the limiting behavior. So you need to rephrase your question. What you’re really trying to figure out is what to do when you have a dark ball of energy pulling you down, destroying your focus and needing to go somewhere so badly that you want to throw something away. For that you don’t need logic, you need reflection”.
“Then what do I do?”
“Listen to that hole in your stomach. Explore it. When you understand it, it will go away.”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
“What are the specific words that feel unfair and create that pit in your stomach?”
“That I disappoint her, and that I did it in objective.”
“Are you sure you didn’t do it on purpose?”
“Yeah! He doesn’t even think I did it on purpose. He just said that to twist the knife.”
“So you’re really mad because she said you let her down?”
“Yes,” I answered. The dark mass in my stomach growled in agreement. “And it’s not fair for her to say such a thing.”
“Why?”
“Because it shouldn’t be my job to live up to her expectations, even if I care about her.”
“A logical answer,” said a voice. “However, emotions are rarely logical.”
Reflection’s face came into view. “Listen to what they just said. Use the tools we’ve learned and reflect on their words so you can clearly hear yourself.”
Responsibility united her. “Look first to see if thought empowers you or limits you.”
I frowned. “Should not It’s a limiting word, so the thought is probably limiting.”
I saw the Explorer right behind them. “Ask yourself how the thought could be limiting.” he suggests. “Ask the question and let me fly with it.”
“Okay,” I took a deep breath. The dark mass in my stomach made a gurgling sound. “So I said, ‘It shouldn’t be my job to live up to her expectations, even if I care about her.’ when i look at the word should not, the word is hard to replace, so I guess it belongs there. I must have a belief that has been limiting me. I seem to have a conflict between what feel should be and what i to think It should be. it seems to me to think that it shouldn’t be my responsibility to live up to his expectations, but he also seems to feel that it is my responsibility to live up to your expectations. I guess what really bothers me is that I’ve done my job to live up to their expectations, and I don’t like the job.” As I put my discovery into words, I felt a knot in my stomach.
“So now that we’ve defined the problem,” the Navigator smiled, stepping forward. “Shall we design a strategy for the future?”
A voice called out, “They need to clarify expectations.”
The Navigator nodded, “Your fair use of the word,” he told me. “It seems to imply that you feel things are unbalanced. Do you agree?”
“Yes,” I nodded back.
“Have you made your expectations clear to him?”
“No,” I admitted.
“Are your expectations clear to you?”
Not really, I thought about it. “Not in this case.”
“So the first step in our strategy should be to your to clarify its Expectations. Do you expect her to change?
“No,” I snorted.
“Do you expect the people who help you take care of her to change?”
“No,” I snorted again.
“Do you expect it to happen again?”
“Well, since I’m not your idea of perfect, I probably am.”
“Do you want to be his idea of perfect?”
“Not really. But I don’t want to disappoint her either.”
“Conflict of fact”.
“So I guess my anger,” I said thoughtfully. “It has less to do with what she said and more to do with my internal conflict. Sound good?”
“Sounds good,” he replied. “Resolve the conflict, remove the emotional trigger.”
“So how do I resolve the conflict?”
“Redefine work,” a voice called.
“What?”
Belief stepped forward. “You said, ‘I guess what really bothers me is that my job has been to meet their expectations, and I don’t like the job..’ You need to clarify your expectations of yourself. Redefine the job into what you want it to be, and then learn to live up to your own expectations. That way her words will lose their power to hurt you and you will be able to love her as much as you love her again.”
I smiled. “You know I think you’re right.” My face crinkled at the thought and I added, “You know, I think you answered my other question too.”
“Other questions?”
“The one about what I can do whenever I feel overwhelmed by an emotion.”
“What was our response?”
My smile turned to laughter, “I’ll call you guys and give myself a little psychological air.“
