The old days between parents and teenagers

Remember the old days, when you were younger and parents and teens had trouble communicating. Do you remember when teenagers went to high school, attended classes, socialized, attended extracurricular activities, visited their friends, and came home?

In the afternoons and evenings, they might rush to dinner, lock themselves in their rooms, stay on the phone, and play video games at all hours, but the parents and kids would talk in person, at least briefly.

How do parents and teens communicate these days, or do they?

In fact, there was a lot of silence between parents and teenagers in the past, but something new has happened. Some parents and their teens don’t talk in person, they don’t talk much. They are texting and emailing all day long and even at home!

Numerous parental contacts

In reality, there is often more contact between parents and teens, but less actual communication. Instead of parents assuming their kids can function on their own all day like they have since preschool, parents are now texting about homework, schedules, after-school commitments, and weekend plans.

While your children are hopefully trying to pay attention in class, they are receiving text messages from parents. The kids hide their phones under their desks and try to answer.

Numerous adolescent contacts

Parents aren’t the only ones to blame, of course. Their children are also texting parents all day, with requests for when they want to be picked up, as well as demands and complaints.

What happens in the summer?

Some teenagers go to camps where phones are not allowed, but they snuck in. Sometimes the texting continues. But for the most part, parents and teens take a break and seem to believe they can exist on their own.

Other teens stay home and work. Then the text messages between parents and teens continue.

Are parents increasingly involved in the details of their teens’ lives?

On the surface, it seems that parents and teens check on each other far too often. Do they really need to know the whereabouts of others at all times? Is this replacing teenagers learning to take care of themselves and trust themselves whole days at a time? Do parents trust their children less? Are adolescents less confident in themselves?

What about actual communication?

Whereabouts, schedules, routines have some practical value. But what about talking about feelings, intentions, goals for the future? I’m not suggesting that parents aren’t interested in listening or teens aren’t interested in talking. I believe that both parents and adolescents need and deep down want to talk and listen to each other a lot. But this other silent communication takes up so much time that it gets in the way.

What should parents do? Some communication tips

Tip #1: Be respectful

In my experience, when parents are openly respectful of their teens and let them know they want to hear their ideas, opinions, and philosophies on life, teens rise to the occasion.

Tip #2: Take the initiative.

Your first attempt may be general, asking your son or daughter, “So, what have you been thinking about lately? What’s up?” This may end in a surprised look and a short response. But it’s not a complete failure.

Tip #3: Persevere. Add more substance.

The next try, he adds a little more: “We haven’t talked much lately. How’s work going?” He etc. Slowly ask more substantive questions. Maybe ask them about his politics, his music, his friendships.

Tip #4: Open the conversation by asking for more details.

It’s so easy to slide to close the door. Don’t be too quick to disagree or be critical. Bite that impulsive tongue.

Tip #5: Say thank you.

Tell your teen that you are grateful for the talk and that you hope they will talk again soon.