Your teen has a good excuse for everything he does, including hurting you, his brothers and sisters, drinking, using drugs, and failing in school. This good excuse or positive intention is what drives the behavior. The negative behavior will not change until the positive intent has been recognized and fulfilled in some way.

There are two basic things to believe before you start trying to figure out what is driving your child’s behavior. You must first believe that we have a good intention behind every behavior. This will certainly help in the process of determining what positive intention your child is trying to fulfill, as it may otherwise seem incongruous, when what they are thinking, saying, and doing doesn’t match up. You’re faking it, and your teen can spot a scam from a mile away. You must also believe that the meaning of your communication is the response you receive. For example, if you don’t like the answer your son gives you, he should be willing to change the method of communication until he gets what he wants. Let me explain the basic process.

1. Plant yourself as an ally…

You want to know what your child’s positive intention is. That requires you to communicate in a positive way or he will shut you down. In any communication with your teen, he or she has four possible options. He can see you as an ally and open up to you, she can go on the defensive, retreat, or counterattack. Your first challenge is to approach her in such a way that you get the first response from her. That is why you cannot blame, judge, criticize or attribute a negative intention to behavior or communication. You don’t want to be perceived as the enemy. Instead, you are an ally and they need to believe that you think he is a good person; they are separate from your behavior and you are here to work with them.

2. Find the positive intention…

To find their often unconscious positive intention, you can put yourself in their shoes or talk to them to get an answer to the following question:

What does this behavior do for me (you)? … gold …

How does this behavior benefit me (you)? … gold …

What do I (you) want to happen when I (you) have this behavior?

Often there are several positive intentions, all embedded within one another. Once you’ve asked for a response, follow up with the same question: “And what does that mean to you?” Keep asking that question for each intention until you think you have an idea of ​​what its positive intention, reason, or purpose is.

3. Checking it…

Once you think you know what the purpose behind their behavior might be, check it out with them by asking, “So what you really wanted with (behavior) was (positive intent).”

4. Now that you know…

Once you think you know the positive intent behind your behavior, act like it’s true. Tell them that you appreciate the fact that they were trying to do something positive, and offer to help them in any way you can. Comment on the fact that this intention is certainly more in keeping with the type of person you are than the negative behavior. Work with him to find a new behavior that is consistent with the type of person he is and that fulfills his positive intention.

So what does this actually look like in real life? Josh broke into his sister’s room, took the money she had been saving, and went out with her friends. On one hand you think we always have a good reason behind everything we do, on the other hand you are absolutely furious with him.

Give yourself time to calm down before trying to figure out what positive intention is behind his behavior. You have to distance yourself from the incident and become an observer. Once you can switch to observer mode, it’s time to take on Josh. Begin by stating the facts in a conversational manner. “I know you went into Brittany’s room and borrowed her savings.” “That’s pretty unusual of you, don’t you think?” “What did she do for you to take her money?” Notice you didn’t ask her why she did it herself. That is a question that asks for an “I don’t know” answer. He may respond with something like, “I wanted to go out with my friends and I had no money.” He then asks, “What did hanging out with your friends do for you?” “It made me feel part of the group.” “What does it mean to you to be part of the group?” “Makes me feel less of a loser!”

You’ve probably realized by now that Josh feels like a ‘loser’ and took Brittany’s money to be a part of the group and consequently feel better about himself. So you check by saying, “Did you take Brittany’s money so you could be part of the crowd and not feel like a loser?” If that catches your eye, follow up with “I appreciate that you tried to do something positive for yourself and that’s consistent with the Josh I know. What else can we think of that will make you feel more like a part of Hopefully this will open up a dialogue.” between you and Josh.

The behavior still needs to be addressed and Brittany still needs restitution. Now that you two are on the same page, it’s a good time to start thinking of ways to earn the money to pay Brittany back!