I get a lot of mail from people who have recently found out about or are trying to deal effectively with their spouse’s affair. One of the biggest concerns that most of them have is if their spouse is truly sorry, remorseful and guilty for cheating on them. People who have been cheated on want very much to see remorse and signs of guilt in their spouse, because they think this indicates that the behavior will not be repeated and also allows for some empathy and motivation to do things right.

Therefore, people often ask me what kinds of things or signs they should look for when these things are present. I will describe some of the most common indicators of both guilt and remorse in the following article.

When a spouse feels guilty about cheating, they will often tell you repeatedly that they are sorry: It is true that actions in this situation are more important and revealing than words. However, many people who have been deceived want very sincere and repetitive pain terms. When dealing with someone who feels guilt and remorse, you will often hear repeated and sincere apologies.

Not only that, but they will often take this further and tell you exactly why they are sorry. So you’re not only getting “I’m sorry” but you’re also hearing things like “I’m so sorry I hurt you, betrayed you, and took you for granted like this. I know you’re so hurt and I feel like you’ll never be able to trust me again, but I can.” assure you that I will do everything in my power to make it up to you.”

Often when I say this to spouses, they respond by telling me that they don’t get this kind of apology, but they feel they want and need it very much. Many people will ask me if that means their spouse is not repentant or remorseful enough. He doesn’t have to mean this and he may not.

It is not uncommon for the cheating spouse to try to minimize or cover up the affair because they know that the consequences are very painful for everyone involved. To do this, they will shut up thinking that they are choosing not to rub more salt in the wound. In this situation, he will sometimes have to tell them very directly that he needs these things for his own healing. That said, it’s really the actions a person takes rather than the words he says that tell you what his motivations, intentions, and feelings really are, which brings me to my next point.

When a spouse feels remorseful about the affair, they will often go to great lengths to give you what you need to move on and take full responsibility: Hopefully, it goes without saying that people who feel the matter is their fault will quickly and decisively take responsibility for their own actions. This is very important. Many spouses who have cheated will avoid this “it’s all my fault” stance in an effort not to draw attention to their actions or themselves, but this strategy is almost always a mistake.

It is important to remember that the faithful spouse had done nothing wrong. Sure, the marriage probably wasn’t perfect. Few are. But only one person made the decision to be unfaithful to him. And, only one person is to blame and is responsible for this. While both people will need to work together to fix this bug, only one person took the action that set this all in motion.

A spouse who is truly guilty and remorseful about this will take full responsibility for their decisions and for fixing this. This may take a bit of persuasion or some heart-to-heart discussions, but at the end of the day, they need to realize that the healing process lies with them.

To that end, many remorse-fueled spouses will do whatever it takes to help you move on. They will offer guarantees. They will be recorded and held accountable. They will go to counseling if this is what you want. And they will be patient with all your questions and struggles because they know that they created this themselves. Again, if you don’t see this from your spouse, try telling him directly what you need and demanding to see if he will respond the way he needs.

A spouse who truly takes responsibility for the affair will help you rebuild your self-esteem: There is no doubt that finding out your spouse had an affair can change your world overnight. You doubt yourself in many ways. Sometimes, you don’t even feel like the same person. You wonder how you were so naive and worry that you are no longer attractive or desirable.

These doubts are very painful and destructive, and many people will intuitively know that in order to truly heal and move forward, they will need to address and overcome these things. A repentant spouse wants only the best for his or her partner. He puts his well-being above all else, so she will support his need to rebuild her self-esteem and his self-esteem.

Occasionally, the cheating spouse will tell me that they are worried that their spouse is getting better so they can go out and retaliate with their own cheating. This is rarely the case, and honestly, it’s in everyone’s best interest for both parties to be as emotionally healthy and safe as possible. Part of restoring confidence is believing that you are strong enough to handle whatever comes your way. And people who have been deeply hurt will often have work to do to get to this place.

That said, over time, you don’t want guilt and remorse to define and be the predominant emotions in your marriage. At the end of the day, you want to rebuild the marriage to a point where both people are happy and fulfilled rather than experiencing primarily negative emotions like guilt. But this is a process that will take time and will include many small steps before the process is complete.