Anchoring is an NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) term used to describe the mind’s tendency to associate two unrelated events or experiences, especially when there is a strong emotion.

For example, if your mother gave you chicken soup when you were sick as a child, you will always associate chicken soup with being loved and cared for.

On the downside, if you once contracted food poisoning from eating contaminated pickles, just the smell of pickles will be enough to cause a feeling of nausea many years after the event.

How does anchoring work in relationships?

If you come home from work euphoric from a promotion and see your lover’s face, you will link that feeling of euphoria with the sight of his face. In the same way, if you hate your job and constantly talk about those feelings with your spouse over dinner, you will subconsciously begin to associate the bad feelings with him or her.

In that case, you should make a conscious effort to share more good times with them so that you can more easily associate positive feelings with the sight of their face.

Sharing good times creates positive bonds or associations. It helps you cope with the less positive moments that each couple experiences at some point in their relationship.

Breakup is often the result of attaching too many negative anchors in full view of your partner’s face, not knowing how to counter them by deliberately creating positive ones.

Here is a common example. A young doctor whose wife works to help him through medical school may decide to divorce her after she graduates. This is because he associates the sight of his face with the difficult times they lived through during those years. Of course, this is all unconscious, all he knows is that he feels bad every time he looks at her. He mistakenly takes this as a sign that the relationship is not working.

Now that you know how anchoring works, use it intentionally to improve your relationship.

1. Plan positive events together and be sure not to let negativity intrude on the event. Save discussions or disagreements for later.

2. During the height of an intensely positive moment that you are sharing,

(a) lightly touch your loved one on the knee or arm,

(b) squeezes the person’s hand, or

(c) wrap your arms around him.

The next time you repeat the same gesture with this person in some other context, it will reawaken some of those original emotions in them.

Similarly, if you touch someone in a specific way when they are feeling sad, for example squeezing their shoulder or putting your arm around them at a funeral, then touching them in the same way will reawaken those feelings of sadness. So be careful what kind of emotions you associate with your touch, words, or face.

How does this apply to gifts?

A gift is by nature an anchor. Every time the recipient looks at the gift, they will remember the occasion when they received it, especially if they experienced strong emotions at the time.

So you can help ensure that your gift is a strong and ongoing anchor by ensuring that you create a truly memorable experience, such as an extremely romantic evening, when you present the gift.

A woman will always remember following a trail of rose petals in her lover’s apartment to find the necklace she bought for her birthday.

A man will always remember being presented with his own personal star by a lover dressed only in a star print bra and thong.

It is also important to consider the opposite effect.

Never give a gift as an apology. You don’t want to create negative anchors by giving gifts after an argument.

If you give your wife a diamond ring to apologize for the fact that she caught you cheating with your secretary, the ring will always remind you of your infidelity.

If you give your husband a new watch to apologize for crashing his BMW, he will remember his transgression every time he checks the time.

Even if those memories don’t reach consciousness, they lurk beneath the surface. It makes more sense to allow them to fade, rather than attach them to physical objects as gifts.

Keep things simple. A genuine apology is all that is required after an argument. Save gifts for positive occasions.

© Marguerite Bonneville