In working with many grieving people, I have found that the basic foundation for coping well with the wide range of losses that we all have to endure lies within ourselves. Yes, we all need each other or we could hardly bear the pain. But most important of all, we need our own inner strength to deal with it all.

How do we get it? How can we accomplish the work of overcoming this difficult loss? Or the next one? They keep coming, as they are integrated into the human being. We have no control over them. And how do we deal with pain, that hellish pain that seems to have no end?

Changing the intensity of pain begins with changing your inner life, which determines the quality of your outer life. We are perpetually choosing in everything we do. The fundamental choice that begins to change your inner life is: face pain as a condition of loving or resisting and backing off, isolating yourself and withdrawing from life.

This is how your most critical task begins. These nine approaches will help strengthen your inner life as you go through pain.

1. Appreciate love. There is nothing more important as you struggle to find the strength to get out of bed and start another torturous day than to impress on your mind that there is no healing without loving. Medicine knows it and so do millions of mourners. That food of others (it is wise to look for what nourishes you) and the love that you continue to give to those in your life, will be the most effective antidote to pain that you will find. Become more loving, even as you grapple with your great loss.

2. Lean on your spiritual and philosophical beliefs. Cultivate the divine presence. Build or strengthen your existing belief that the love and compassion of a Higher Power will give you the stamina to pass the test. If you have strayed from such beliefs, don’t be embarrassed to ask for help right now; Then commit to regular spiritual practice. Your Higher Power will fill you perfectly and history proves it.

The vast majority of mourners I have dealt with have emphasized the importance of prayer and their spirituality to remain in one piece. We all need that deeper resource to turn to. Learn where you can find your personal sources of spiritual support and renewal. Then make peace of mind your main goal as you start each day.

3. Be open to new ideas in a world that will be completely different without your loved one. Be especially open to the wisdom of those who have been through similar experiences of loss. Coping with a major loss is a learning process. Listen carefully to how others coped with their hours of need. Decide what you can use and let the rest go. Remember, you have to change to find change, so also listen to what your heart is telling you.

4. Take action. Inaction and isolation will ensure that your pain persists. On the other hand, examine your options. You must inject yourself back into the world. Work, volunteer, walk at the mall. Interact with others. Study the mystery and the invisible. The action is free and will bring you the necessary fun.

5. Control your imagination and self-talk as critical tools in dealing with change. What you visualize and say to yourself will lift you up or drag you down. Pick a word (compassion, love, caring, advice, etc.) or a statement (I’m determined to adjust) that will constantly go over your thoughts a hundred times a day. It has been proven time and time again, if you change the content of your thoughts, it will ease your emotional pain.

6. Find a mentor or complaining partner. Find someone with whom you can really open up about how you are feeling on a given day. The person should be a good listener and give you feedback when they have questions. You need to acknowledge the feelings, not bury or ignore them. Let them out to free you of your emotional burden. Emotions can easily affect your judgments. If you have no one to turn to, join a grief support group.

7. Meditate for 20 minutes a day. We all need alone time every day. A proven way to manage emotions is to meditate. Make it part of your daily personal care program. Through trial and error, find a technique that you like. For years, I used the following: take deep breaths into my abdomen to relax. Then breathe in and out silently repeating the Aramaic word, Maranatha (Mar-a when inhaling, na-tha when exhaling). Go slowly. If your mind wanders, gently return to your word.

8. Continue to communicate with your loved one. As the day progresses, talk to your deceased loved one and tell them exactly how you feel and what you need. This is one of the most effective ways to love in separation. Ask questions and see what answers come to mind. Pray to your loved one as many others do. Say what you feel. Imagine how you would respond.

9. Reassess your priorities and determine your mission, if you don’t have one. Everybody needs one. It is never too late to find a dream. You always have the opportunity to make a difference and serve others. Your inner life will be strengthened as you focus on your purpose and the direction in life you want to go. The greater loss redefines us. And never forget, we are what we constantly do.

In summary, as you review the above ways to strengthen your inner life, take note of their emphasis on connections: with people, God, yourself, the deceased, a purpose. You will never outgrow your need for connections and the healing love they generate because healing is always ongoing. We go from one loss to another. Get started making connections today. Choose one of the items above right now. Think about the specific behaviors you need to employ and commit to strengthening your inner life.