Growing up as a young black man in the downtown projects of Corpus Christi, Texas, I was acutely aware that being “black” somehow made me different. As I watched television and flipped through magazines and books, I realized that the people I perceived to have all the wealth were white people. When I asked my mom the reason for this, her response was that there were a lot of blacks who were rich, but white people didn’t want to show that on television. When asked why not, he responded by saying that this was the way that whites could control the minds of blacks and prevent them from getting rich. Even as a child, there was something in that comment that he disagreed with. I wanted to understand how the mind worked, and above all, I wanted to understand how whites could control the minds of blacks.

As I progressed through elementary school, I remember the stress and fear I felt interacting with the white children in my class. At the age of nine I had my first experience of racism when a white classmate approached me after a spelling test. In this class, the person who earned an A on a test would receive a gold star, which was then placed on a poster board in view of all students. It just so happened that I had the most gold stars of all in the class and the teacher always encouraged me to do well and feel comfortable being at the top of the class intellectually and academically. After this particular test, the white classmate came up to me and said, “My mom says that all blacks are dumb and stupid and that even though you have more stars than I do, I’m still smarter than you.” I stood there in shock and disbelief and couldn’t answer. Although I had the evidence to refute his comments, when I was nine the pain of his words cut me like a knife. I felt angry but embarrassed because it was not the first time I had heard those words. But this was the first time I had heard them directed directly at me by one of my classmates.

My most painful experience of blatant racism occurred when I was seventeen years old. I was in high school and I met and fell in love with my high school girlfriend. She was a wonderful caring person who, by the way, turned out to be white. When we met, she was something of a wild child. She came from a fairly wealthy family, but she hated her father and was into drugs and rebellion. She was a C&D student who liked to skip school and hang out on the beach with her friends. After dating her for a while, I convinced her to change her life and give up skipping school and abusing drugs. She changed her attitude and became an A and B student. We were extremely close and shared that kind of high school crush love that feels so deep that it stays with you for a lifetime. After dating her for over a year, her father found out that we were dating. One night I got a call from him and it was obvious that he was not happy. When he started talking, I knew I had to stay calm and not disrespect him. I heard his objections and gave him a chance to get everything off his chest. When she was done, I made the mistake of telling her that she had no right to decide who her daughter should date. I tried to convince him that I had been a good influence on his daughter and that he should be happy that she was doing so well. My hope was to get him to understand that I was a good boy and that I was actually good for his daughter. Of course she couldn’t hear a word he was saying. He was adamant about the fact that he knew what was best for his daughter and I was just a young punk trying to take advantage of his little girl. After yelling his disapproval of our relationship for several minutes, he said something that caught me completely off guard. Even though I knew he was angry, I didn’t expect to hear these words: “There is no way I am letting my daughter date a black man. I will kill you before I allow that to happen.” Although the words were painful, it was the poisonous feeling of anger and hatred that came through the phone that ripped my heart out. Even today, almost thirty years later, I can still feel the hatred in his words. His anger came from deep within his soul and it was evident that his anger was not just for me, but for all blacks.

As I sat there in disbelief, I immediately went numb. A part of me wanted to defend myself, curse him, and retaliate in some way. My initial feeling was anger, which I quickly mastered to avoid getting into a screaming fight. Another part of me was extremely scared because I didn’t know if he would really try to take my life or not. But the feeling I remember the most after his comment was sadness. I remember a sinking feeling in my stomach that was the result of being invalidated as a human being. I knew he saw me as less than a man and in his mind I was not good enough for his daughter simply because I was black. It was dehumanizing and demoralizing. How could this man hate me so much and not know anything about me? How could he judge me without even seeing or speaking to me? Why couldn’t she see the positive influence she had had on her daughter? Why wasn’t I allowed the opportunity to meet him and talk to him so that he could see how much I really cared about his daughter and that my intentions were simply to love and support her? So many questions, so few answers.

I share these three true personal stories because, as a black man, I realize that my experiences are really just a microcosm of the challenges black men face even today. Personally, I think our media still does an irresponsible job of portraying black people in general. The perception generated by the media is that being black is synonymous with being poor, uneducated, unmotivated and in some way a burden on society. Although I don’t believe that the media can control how black people think, I am aware of the power that the media has on a person’s perception. Since a person’s perception is their reality, the media definitely has an influence on people’s minds. I fervently believe that people in general are not born racist. Hate is not part of a person’s genetic makeup. Racism is something that is learned and people often learn from the environment in which they are raised. Unfortunately, there are still some parents who teach their children that blacks are inferior as human beings and sadly some blacks have accepted this as true.

As a black man, I realize that people are going to judge me and have preconceptions about who I am. I understand that no matter what I do, stereotypes of black men will precede me and I will somehow have to prove myself over and over again. I know that people will fear me, think less of me, and label me a “black” man no matter what I do. So as a black man what can I do How do I cope with the multiplicity of challenges that I face on a daily basis? Do I raise my hands in defeat and give up? Do I accept stereotypes and become another black male statistic thrown at the growing prison population? Do I succumb to pressure and lose my identity and try to become someone I am not?

In order to cope with the aforementioned challenges, I choose, first and foremost, to see myself as a man, not just a black man. If I see the world only through the lens of a black man, I limit my perception of the world. When I let go of my attachment to being black first, it opens the door to infinite possibilities for me as a human being. This is not a denial of my ethnicity, it is simply an affirmation of my true potential and my humanity. This awareness gives me a completely new perspective on the world. With this perspective, I can honestly say that I love being a black man. I have come to this conclusion as a result of the last fifteen years of doing my emotional work and removing my shadows. Now I feel completely comfortable with who I am as a human being and I recognize that I am a man who happens to be black. I am proud of my racial heritage, but the true source of my power transcends the color of my skin.

When I see the world from this perspective, I begin to recognize that although there is ignorance and hatred in the world, racism itself is actually an overused word in our society that keeps us separate and in denial of our unity. This does not excuse the injustice and oppression of people of color, it simply recognizes that racism is a disease of the mind. In objective scientific terms, it is not real. It is a man-made creation that exists only in our minds.

As I reflect on my personal mission statement:

“As a man among men, I create a world of love and understanding by loving myself and understanding others.

I fully understand the implications of what these words mean to me. By loving myself and removing any blocks from my consciousness, I can understand others without judgment. This allows me to be constantly in the moment without being attached to things that have happened to me in the past. By healing my anger and forgiving those who have hurt me, I can be fully present to the people in my life. Therefore, I don’t think too general statements and use words and phrases like those targets, or them and them. I live in the moment and address each individual situation in the moment. This is the beauty of healing your heart. It frees you from your past and keeps you in the present moment. Life has taught me that you have two options in response to whatever happens to you. The first is to get bitter or the second option is to improve. I have chosen the latter and it has definitely made me a more cheerful man. I live by the adage that “if it doesn’t kill you, it can only make you stronger.” I am grateful for all the challenges that I have overcome because I can clearly see how they made me a better man in the process.

My intention is that you have a new perception about black men after you finish reading this article. The truth is that we are no different than any other group of men. We are loving, caring, compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, forgiving, and courageous. We love our country and our families. We face the same emotions and challenges as anyone else. Not all of us blame society for our challenges, and we consistently make positive contributions to America. We are definitely an asset to this country, not a liability.

I remember a lesson I learned from Wayne Dyer in which he taught me that I should never focus my attention on what I am opposed to. Instead, I must focus my attention on what I am for and will experience it as a result. So instead of being against racism, I am for unity. Instead of taking a stand against hate, I defend love.

As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said “We are afraid of each other because we do not know each other, we do not know each other because most of us are separated.” My intention is to eliminate perceived separation and create unity. This is the driving force of my life. I want to be the change I want to see in the world and I invite you to join me in creating a world of love, peace and unity. In the immortal words of John Lennon, “You may say that I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one. I hope that one day you will join us and the world will be one.”

Won’t you join me