It is incomprehensible to most people that the person they are dating or in love with can harm them. Most of the time it is friends or family who initially see something. You may be told that something is ‘not right’ in the relationship. It is estimated that more than 60% of relationships have some form of abuse.

Reports from the American Institute on Domestic Violence:

o 85-95% of all survivors of domestic violence are women

o More than 50,000 women are harassed by an intimate partner each year.

o 5.3 million women are abused each year

o 1,232 women are killed each year by an intimate partner

o Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women.

o Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know than by a stranger

Who is at risk for domestic violence?

o Women aged 20 to 34 and increasingly, adolescent girls

o Women who abuse alcohol or other drugs or whose partners do

o Women who are poor are at higher risk, because they rarely have resources

o Battered women increase their risk of being killed when they are on the run or are hunted down and killed after leaving. (New York City Department of Health)
Regardless of the rate of violence or who initiates the violence, women are 7 to 10 times more likely to be injured in acts of intimate violence than men. (Office of Justice Statistics).

There are common indicators of potential physical abusers. Instead of denying what others are telling you and your thoughts, you should stop and observe your partner’s actions. Answer the following questions about your partner and your relationship.

o Are you discouraged or compelled to talk to family, friends, or coworkers?

o Are you jealous of your time, your career, other people in your life?

o Does your partner insist on going everywhere with you?

o Do you have to discuss activity plans, who you will be with and why you are going to do something with him / her before you can?

o Do you play mind games?

o Are you jealous of your success?

o Do you act negatively towards authority figures?

o Do you think that man makes the decisions?

or does he insult you?

o Do you belittle or speak ill of you?

o Does he blame you if something goes wrong?

o Do you deny your opinion, feelings, ideas, etc.?

o Does he get violent when he drinks alcohol?

o Do you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? While not everyone is a potential abuser if they come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional family, there are reasons to consider their long-term behavior versus their current “making a living” behavior. The signs of an abusive person can be extremely subtle. Such as: Mini outbursts of anger; Frequent curse; Disregard for the rights of others; Frequent negativity; Mental games; Hostility towards authority; Interpreting the murder and / or abuse as he deserved it.

o Do you use shame and / or guilt to control a situation or get away with it?

o Do you lose your temper and throw things, hit objects or mistreat animals?

o Do you play down an act of aggression as a minor incident?

o Do you characterize domestic violence as an exaggeration or a myth?

These indicators are more than indicators: they are varying degrees of emotional abuse and a precursor to possible physical abuse.

Those who are in an abusive relationship rarely consider that they are part of the equation. In other words, it takes two people to create domestic violence. How do you fit into the equation? Answer the following questions.

o Do you have low self-esteem? People who abuse others look for people they find easy to control, manipulate, and generate power. Low self-esteem sets the stage.

o Do you come from an abusive or highly dysfunctional home? As noted above, belonging to an abusive or highly dysfunctional family does not mean that you will attract an abuser; however, the probability is significantly high. Growing up in an abusive and / or dysfunctional home fosters the impression that the ups and downs of abuse equate to love, after all people. [your parents], who claimed to love you more emotionally and physically hurt you. And even though you didn’t like it; then you look for someone who will give you the same “kind of love”, the kind that hurts, because it feels so good among the wounded.

o Do you believe in traditional and stereotyped relationship roles?

o Do you accept responsibility for disagreements or arguments, in addition to your own behavior?

o Do you accept responsibility for your behavior to keep the peace?

o Do you walk on eggshells to keep the peace?

o Do you accept the myths about domestic violence?

Or do you say to yourself: “I can handle it, it’s not that bad”.

o Do you feel guilty if he / she gets angry or jealous?

o Do you allow yourself to be controlled because you think the person would not do it if they did not love you?

o Do you think jealousy is proof of love?

o Do you think that some abuse is to come in an intimate relationship?

These indicators are emotional, but keep in mind that emotional abuse precedes physical abuse without fail. Emotional abuse is simply a warning sign, and by paying attention to the warning signs, you can protect yourself by avoiding being in the relationship. If you’re already in the relationship, because you didn’t see the warning signs (there are warning signs without fail), you will be able to pay attention to them and get out before they turn into physical abuse.

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the questions, you are in a relationship that could progress to physical abuse unless there is immediate and effective professional intervention. Both should seek career guidance separately. Accepting that you play a role in the abuse equation and that you take responsibility on your part is the first step to reconciliation, whether it be to resolve the issues or to separate. Similarly, the other person must acknowledge that their behavior is not acceptable and you must accept that they will allow them to continue abusing you if they continue in the relationship as is.