I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked a variation on this question. Wives want to know if their husbands feel guilty or ashamed for having cheated on them, or if he is only sorry because they have caught him and now must deal with the consequences. They want to know if you hesitated when you decided to cheat or if you were so excited by the prospect of something exciting and forbidden that you never thought about your wife, at least until much later.

In short, wives wish they could be given a pass inside their husband’s mind so that they can understand his highly questionable thought process when he chose to make this most painful and unfortunate mistake. And they want to know where your head and commitment is now that the adventure is over, and if they can believe that your heart and commitment are still with them, so they don’t have to worry about reliving this at some point. in the future.

The truth is that a man’s thought process during an affair can be as different as the men themselves. That being said, however, I have heard from many men who are trying to get things done with their wives. Sometimes they share their thought processes with me, and I’ve been through this myself. So I’m looking at it from two different sides of the coin. Yes, it is very likely that there are men who feel little or no regret. But these are not the men I hear about because they are generally not the men who are trying to get their marriages back. In the following article, I will share with you how men describe their feelings during and after an affair.

How men feel during an adventure: Again, these feelings vary depending on the man who experiences them. But, most of the men I heard from describe themselves as “not thinking” as the adventure unfolded. Some of the phrases I hear to describe this are things like: “I really don’t know what I was thinking. I was living in slow motion and I wasn’t really stopping to think about what was happening. I just don’t want to go there in my own mind. “.

Some men describe very strong feelings of guilt and shame during the affair. Sometimes I hear things like “I went home, closed the door and cried.” However, “my hands were shaking so much on the wheel on the way home that I was afraid of having an accident.” Or, “The guilt was killing me. I couldn’t even look my wife in the eye. I was always sure that she knew something was going on or knew she was lying or had done something very wrong.”

And some men who feel these feelings will use them as a catalyst to end the relationship very abruptly. Usually these are the men who admit to deception on their own and sincerely seek forgiveness with genuine apology and regret.

Sometimes, you will find men who, although they feel guilty and ashamed, these feelings actually drive them to continue the relationship. They see the other person as a release or a pause in the negative feelings or doubts that were happening in their lives. So while they know that what they are doing is terribly wrong, they may tell themselves that they are going to end things ‘very soon’, but they seek the release that the relationship provides fleetingly (this escape usually does not last long.)

Every once in a while, I will have men tell me that they actually thought they were getting a positive reward for the affair or that they had genuine feelings for the other woman. They will say that they felt “fun” or “free” or “alive.” Usually these feelings are short-lived and men later realize how silly and untrue all of this was. Over time, they realize that nothing apart from themselves and dealing with their own problems gives them the escape or the boost they were looking for.

In short, a man’s feelings can be challenged when he cheats on his wife. But I find that most men feel some sadness, conflict, or guilt while doing it. Some are able to ignore these feelings or at least momentarily calm them. And some cannot accept the feelings and will confess everything. Some will try to justify their actions to continue, but most know, at least deep down, that what they are doing is wrong.

How men feel after having an affair: Like I said, I very rarely hear from those repeat cheaters who are cheeky enough to justify their deception or who have no regrets at all. I almost always hear of men seeking advice to save their marriages after cheating on their wives. And without a doubt, these men are genuinely sorry. Yes, they are very sorry that they were caught and that you know what they did and that you are deeply hurt. Many tell me they would give absolutely anything to turn back the clock and turn all of this back.

And many of them understand why you are angry. They know they would fight a lot if the roles were reversed, but they don’t know how to sound sincere without sounding like they are acting. I often hear phrases like “she doesn’t believe anything I say and I can’t blame her for that. But I’ll keep trying to make it up for the rest of my life. One chance, I’ll do everything in my power to correct this.”

Of course, the great irony of all this is that many wives will change this and say “well, he didn’t love me that much when he was cheating, did he?” And they have all the reason. There is not much I can say in response to this. You will often try again with claims that you weren’t thinking or dealing with a personal crisis, but none of this really cuts you short.

I often tell couples that it is the actions that matter and not the words. The marriage was damaged by the actions of the husband and now, if the marriage is to be repaired, it must be repaired by the actions of the husband. Over time, he has to show the wife that he is repentant, rehabilitated, and worthy of her trust and partnership.