So many times I despair

And sometimes I don’t care anymore

You might think i’m strong

But very often you would be wrong.

There are times, quite often, when I seriously wonder why I am upset. Times came and went on the waves of self-loathing and self-recrimination. Moments when my inner world implodes for an hour or more. Moments when a daunting drop breaks the camel’s back.

Somehow I’m called to a life that I can’t no alive, when I would gladly say to God ‘I’m not enough for this … use someone else …’ and He seems to reply, ‘You, I love you, and I’m not going to take no for an answer.

A large part of me, of course, is relieved. I need to be loved.

However, I hate to be misunderstood.

Would I serve You, God, for nothing, for the ‘pleasure’ of doing it, but for the constant struggle that occasionally completely punishes my spirit? Does it have to be so difficult sometimes?

And yet you constantly bring me back to life. After each subsequent death! I first died about 15 years ago. And yet I have died a thousand deaths since then. (If you care about me now, you’re more than a decade late, so don’t worry, I’m just being honest here. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay because there are so many times that I haven’t been okay and I’ve survived.)

Every time I think I have taken my last spiritual breath, You Lord come and revive me. I still don’t know why.

And I know this is a death sentence for the aspirations of a pastor, counselor, mentor, and any other helping role. How can I help people and be so screwed up myself? I do not understand. There are so many things that I just don’t understand. How is it that God uses people like me when I feel, and I’m not saying this is true, that everyone in positions of authority thinks I’m so inadequate? Do you see how unreasonable I think and feel sometimes?

At one point I wonder why. In another moment I am grateful that I did not die. It is exhausting …

So discouraged by what I sow that it never seems to grow, yet I look at some things and am in awe of what God has done. Things that should never grow, do. If you despair, and often, you are not the only one.

Don’t worry, when you read, although raw, it will be disinfected for general consumption. I’m not that insensitive.

But I hope that what I write here will be of some use. It’s everything I feel I am sometimes. Be useful’. Of course I am more. I know that. Like you (I hope I’m not the only one) I need to remind myself.

So how do I end this correctly? I can’t leave it as it is.

Sometimes when we are tested to our limits and pushed from one pillar to another, we must ask God for help.

We may hear His soft and still whisper. I imagine his words …

Son, be My son, you are My son, don’t worry. Here for today, and although it seems long, in reality it is not much, and yet you cannot bear that your eventual passing means leaving your loved ones here, without you. I’m here with you, second by second. Know it even if you can’t feel me, I put you here and you’re sure where you are. I can assure you that there is purpose in what you are doing, even when it feels purposeless, and beyond what you are doing, there is solemn purpose in the pleasure I get from your presence here. Wait for My encouragement. You know it will come. I always command it. Don’t leave before it arrives. I love you, I believe in you and I know that you can get by. My grace is sufficient for you. You are much better for My Kingdom when you are weak, because in that you redeem My strength. Do not despise these deaths that you die. These deaths are life for you and for others. You know you can trust the consistency of all of this. I can see that you are doing the best you can, even though you have flaws. Be patient. Come.