Legal Law

Being a stalker can cost you more than money

When we think of bullying behavior, we may picture children calling each other names on the playground or at school. However, bullying is more widespread than that, both among children and among adults. When going through a divorce, you may be tempted to bully your soon-to-be ex into making him or her “pay” for hurting you. This can be an extremely costly mistake. Not only can it cost you a lot of money in legal fees, but it can also cost you self-respect, close relationships, and the opportunity to plan for her future.

It is important to realize that bullying exists when there is an absence of compassion for oneself and others. Of course, when you go through a divorce, you often feel hurt and angry. So you might be tempted to show your spouse that he or she is “wrong” and you are “right.” You might even believe that it is possible to “win” your divorce case. Therefore, you may choose to hire a divorce attorney who is aggressive and claims to “fight for you.” So you pay your lawyer to blast your spouse (or their lawyer) with one nasty letter after another making your case and arguing why your position is indeed “correct.” This forces your spouse to fight back, and before you know it, neither of you is listening (or cares to listen) to the other.

This is bullying behavior, plain and simple. You have no compassion for yourself because you are putting aside the needs of your children and your most important values ​​in the hope of “winning.” You also have no compassion for your spouse and what he or she may need. Believe it or not, this is important information because once you can listen and understand what your spouse needs, you can solve your problems through creative negotiation. It is possible, and certainly more productive, to assertively communicate what you want without being aggressive or hostile. Maybe you even have goals and interests that are the same as your spouse’s, like which school your kids should attend. Knowing this certainly reduces the number of problems to solve and puts you on the same side as your spouse with each other’s problems. This is the approach recommended by the authors of Getting to Yes.

You should also be warned that intimidation only serves to increase your legal costs while maximizing hostility, which in turn further moves you away from achieving what is most important to you in the long run. These are the cases where the legal fees are the highest with the least satisfactory results. You are keeping up the fight, you continue to fan your anger and your pain, while you seek to obtain a “vindication” from the court. You may subscribe to a fantasy in which the judge will point an accusing finger at your soon-to-be ex-spouse and declare you the “winner.” You may believe that your anger and pain will miraculously disappear as a result. However, the only thing that will miraculously disappear is your money, in your lawyer’s pocket. Also, I know of very few, if any, cases where at the end of a divorce trial, one or both parties happily jump out of the courthouse and jump for joy.

Ideally, allow yourself to feel anger and hurt before starting the divorce process by taking advantage of the many resources available to help you. For example, you can find a competent counselor or coach that you trust to help you work through your difficult emotions and set priorities. You can also read material geared toward divorcees, such as Abigail Trafford’s Crazy Time.

Remember, when you have children together, the reality is that your future ex will still be a part of your family even though the family is no longer intact. So instead of attacking the other parent, wouldn’t it be more productive and satisfying to focus on the exciting task of renegotiating what your family would be like after the divorce?

It is important to separate your difficult emotions from your concrete positive goals for the future because it is your future that you can create in the divorce process. And remember, when you think you can “win”, you will most likely lose.